Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and along with being inundated with advertisements for flowers, candy, and fine jewelry, social media seems to add a heightened pressure to the day as people post pictures of what they are doing for their significant others and boast about gifts that have been bestowed upon them. From a cynical perspective, Valentine’s Day seems like it’s becoming more materialistic with each passing year. People seem to invest more in things rather than in each other. From an emotional perspective though, I still love Valentine’s Day because, let’s face it, our world needs more love, and any day devoted to it can’t be bad.
I’ve been married to my husband Mike for 18 years, and each year on our wedding anniversary he makes me laugh because he always comments, “It’s starting to get serious.” I was barely 23 years old when I said, “I do,” making the most important decision of my life at such a young age. It’s funny because if I attended a wedding today, and the bride was that young, I would probably think, “She’s too young to be getting married.” Yes, it worked out well for me, but I know that’s not the case for a lot of people.
I always find myself wondering why some marriages work while other couples choose to part ways. A dear friend recently commented to me, “You and Mike always seem so happy together,” and as I thought about her compliment I realized, “We seem so happy together because we are so happy together.” Call it fate, call it luck, or call it what you will, but the day I married Mike wasn’t the best day of my life; it was the beginning of the best days of my life.
Mike and I met at an Army Navy post-game party on December 2, 1995, and even though it sounds cliché, I knew that night that he was the one. After talking to him for a while, I discovered his last name was Cornelius, and I still vividly recall mentally pairing my first name with his last name, inwardly rolling my eyes because it sounded way too corny: Coree Cornelius. Too alliterative! (I always say it could be worse. If I married my sister’s husband, I would be Coree Fiore instead. Rhyming is even worse than alliteration!)
The same day our engagement announcement appeared in The Courier Post, a South Jersey newspaper, my Uncle Frank and Aunt Eleanor’s 50th wedding anniversary announcement was published on the same page. I carefully clipped out both pieces from the paper, and preserved them in a scrapbook. I viewed it as a special sign that both announcements were printed on the same day because if ever there was a marriage I would hope to emulate, it would be Uncle Frank and Aunt El’s.
Uncle Frank, who was my grandmother’s brother, and Aunt El were the cutest couple in the world, and were married for 62 years before Uncle Frank passed away in 2010. Aunt El is now gone too, but their marriage lives on in my heart. Whenever I think of them, I picture them smiling and holding hands. In August of 2001 I went on a big family vacation to Italy, and one of my favorite pictures from the trip was the photo I took of Uncle Frank and Aunt El strolling down the street together in Rome, hand in hand as always.
In December of 2007 our extended family all came together to celebrate Uncle Frank and Aunt El’s 60th wedding anniversary. Their smiles were as bright as ever that day, surrounded by all of their loved ones, and I once again couldn’t help notice that they were, of course, holding hands.
Marriage, of course, isn’t easy, and even the happiest of marriages has its share of ups and downs. In our 18 years of marriage, the Navy has moved us 11 times, and has kept us separated through several deployments. We struggled through years of infertility before we were finally blessed with our daughter Addison, and even went through what we refer to as “a bump in the road” when Mike had cancer, which required surgery and months upon months of chemotherapy. While the challenges we’ve faced together haven’t always been ideal, they’ve all helped shape who we are together as Mr. and Mrs. Yes, Mike and I are happy, but the smiles on our faces aren’t there by accident. Each morning we have to wake up with the intention of trying to be the best version of ourselves for each other, reaching out to hold each other’s hand when the “for better” and “for worse” moments make themselves known.
I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with three Coronado couples who have been married much longer than Mike and I. Not only did they share the cute stories about how they met, but they were also kind enough to share their words of wisdom about marriage. Yes, we live in an age where we can go online to read all about marital advice, but it feels so much more authentic and meaningful coming from real people here in town who show us day in and day out what commitment really means, couples who make every day Valentine’s Day.
“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.”
~ Sam Levenson
Tom and Susan Mitchell – 50 Years
Tom Mitchell graduated from Auburn University, and was attending flight school in Pensacola, Florida. When he returned to Auburn one weekend, he ran into Roger, one of his fraternity brothers, who was from Pensacola. Tom recalls that he asked Roger, “Hey, are there some nice girls I can meet in Pensacola?” Roger gave Tom his friend Susan’s phone number. He and Susan had actually once dated, but had remained friends.
Susan was attending junior college at the time, and was very active in her church community, right outside of the base in Pensacola. She was part of a church group called Spares and Pairs, which hosted Bible study as well as social events such as hay rides. Susan recalls making friends with a lot of Navy pilots, who were training for Vietnam, but certainly wasn’t looking to get serious with any of them. “He came by the church group, and I was kind of down on men at the time. He called, and he just introduced himself on the phone, and I said, ‘Well, I’m busy Friday and this week.’ He said, ‘I’m actually going home to North Carolina this weekend,’ so I was kind of embarrassed because he wasn’t going to ask me out anyway,” Susan recalls as they both laugh.
Susan quickly saved face by inviting him over to join her and her group at a prayer meeting the following Wednesday, where she’d be serving hot chocolate. Tom recalls that when he knocked on the door, “There was this adorable red-headed 18 month old named Marcy, who was her sister’s child. I fell in love with Marcy right away! I went to the den, and in walked this vision of Susan in her red sweater and powder blue slacks. I don’t know if you’ll believe it, but the minute I saw her I thought, ‘This is the girl I’m going to marry.’ She didn’t feel the same. It took me a long time to persuade her,” he says. (I don’t know about you, but the fact that Tom still remembers exactly what Susan was wearing that night makes their story even more adorable!)
Susan says she liked Tom right away, and remembers, “I felt really comfortable, and we had so much in common.” It turned out that his mother attended Huntingdon College, a small Methodist college, which is where Susan was planning on going to school after junior college. “We had a lot of connections. We had families that were alike.”
After dating for a year, Tom and Susan married during Susan’s junior year of college, and then Susan went on to finish her degree while Tom was deployed to Vietnam and the Mediterranean. Tom and Susan, like all married couples, faced their fair share of challenges throughout their 50 years of marriage, particularly during Tom’s Navy days. “Family separation was the biggest bugaboo,” Tom says. “People ask me would I do it all over again, and to be honest, I say, ‘I love the Navy, I love the people, and I love the job, but I hated the separation. I’m not sure if I could repeat it if I knew what I was facing.”
Susan adds, “He was gone a ton!” While Susan was pregnant with their first child, Tom’s assignment, which was supposed to be a 4 month deployment, turned into a 16 month assignment. Fortunately Tom was able to take leave here and there to return home to see his wife and child, but it certainly wasn’t easy, and neither were the other nine, long cruises that took him away from home. Of their Navy separations, Susan, who took it all in stride, shares, “We laugh and say that’s why we’re still together! The reunions were nice, but the separations were hard.”
What have been some of the highlights of Tom and Susan’s 50 golden years? Tom answers, “The children have been a blessing.” Susan shares that their close-knit family reunion with Tom’s side of the family every other year is another wonderful part of their marriage that they cherish. At one point that same red-headed baby Marcy, who Tom fell in love with the night he met Susan, needed to move in with Tom and Susan during her high school years. Susan speaks so highly of her husband as she shares, “He’s very warm-hearted about children, and not many guys would do that. That’s one thing I admire about him, his love of children.”
What advice does Tom offer to newly married couples? “I’ll be honest. I think the strength of our marriage is our faith, our church, and our bond with our faith. I don’t think we’d have survived.”
Newly married couples might be surprised by Susan’s advice about it being okay not seeing eye to eye all the time. She confesses, “We fight a lot, but we work it out. We disagree, and we’re both strong. We especially fuss in the car because he drives like a jet pilot. I don’t like fighting, but we always come together.” Tom agrees, remarking, “I know that’s why we’re still together. That’s just the nature of the beast.” Susan quips, “And we’re both beasts!”
Susan says that in addition to their faith, which is the most important thing to both of them, they’re on the same page when it comes to spending money, which is definitely a cause of stress in many marriages. “With faith, it’s not about what you have. It’s never been about money for us. I think that’s so important,” Susan shares.
Tom and Susan usually don’t have elaborate Valentine’s Day plans because Tom’s birthday and their anniversary fall right before February 14th. (Tom confides that he can always remember his anniversary because it’s the day after his birthday.) They exchange Valentine’s Day cards, but other than that, they keep it simple.
The couple celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary a little early, having a rendezvous in Puerto Rico over Christmas vacation with their son, daughter, and grandchildren. The whole family rented a house together right on the ocean, and Tom and Susan wouldn’t have had it any other way. (Tom hints that he might have a trick up his sleeve to celebrate their actual anniversary on February 11th, but he wouldn’t give the surprised Susan any details.) Happy Anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell!
Ivan and Katie Dunn – 49 Years
Ivan and Katie Dunn, who’ve been married for 49 years, met back in college at Southeast Missouri State College (now Southeast Missouri State University). “My sister talked me into going on a blind date with him,” Katie recalls. “Back then,” Ivan explains, “you got lavaliered, and then you got pinned, and if everything worked out, you got engaged. We got married June 10, 1967 in Pensacola, Florida, where I was going to flight school at the time with the Navy.”
When asked about what challenges they have faced together during their almost 50 years of marriage, Katie asked with amusement, “Are we getting serious here?” Ivan answered, “I think moving a lot with the Navy was a challenge, mainly with her having to find a home, picking a church, picking a school, getting the kids settled, and all that type of stuff.”
Katie counters, “Yes, but that was nothing compared to my health problems.” Ivan, nodding his head in agreement, acknowledged that Katie’s medical problems were their biggest hurdle together. At one point during Katie’s battle with cancer, Ivan says, “It was bad enough that I actually thought we might lose her. The prospect of raising two kids without her was a reality to consider, and thank God she obviously got through that.”
What are some of the highlights of their marriage? “Two beautiful children,” Katie responds. Ivan agrees, saying, “Two kids and five grandkids, but the biggest highlight has been being with her. She’s a classy lady.” (Seriously, could these two be any cuter?)
For newly married couples, Ivan offers this advice: “Be realistic. You can get caught up in the hype of it, and you just need to be able to deal with the hardships in a realistic way. Work together to get through things. Make sure you talk about your financial goals, your spending habits, and your quality of life expectations so there are no misconceptions or holding back on expressing yourself in that regard. If one person’s on one plane and the other partner’s on another plane, I think you’re going to run into problems.”
Katie offers, “I think the main thing is to go into it as a lifetime commitment. You can’t build something half-hearted with a ‘We’ll try it, and see if it works’ attitude.
Ivan shares, “We’ve always practiced the rule that our relationship is number 1. It may sound crass to say it, but even with our kids, ‘You’re number 2. She’s (pointing to Katie) number 1.’ If she’s not number 1, then other things will interfere with that.”
Faith is also an important element of Ivan and Katie’s relationship. Ivan grew up with church being a big part of life, whereas Katie’s family didn’t attend church often. “She became more involved in the church later in our marriage, and that’s certainly enriched it I think,” Ivan says. “It’s been a common bond,” Katie elaborates. “Church has become part of our lives together and part of our marriage, particularly in Coronado.”
What’s the secret to their long marriage? “Staying in love,” Ivan answers. Katie, smiling at Ivan, answers simply, “Patience.” Ivan admits, “She’s better at that than I am.”
How will Mr. and Mrs. Dunn celebrate Valentine’s Day? Katie shares, “I’m not crazy about chocolates and flowers so we normally just trade cards.” Ivan chimes in, “And have a glass of wine together, but we don’t make a big deal of it.”
The couple is looking forward to celebrating their 50th anniversary together this June when they will take a river cruise in Germany together. “It’s kind of a big deal this year,” Ivan says, adding, “We get on the boat the day of our actual anniversary.”
Frank & Connie Spitzer – 32 Years
Frank and Connie Spitzer have been married for 32 years, but, according to Frank, “We got married yesterday.” After all these years, he still looks at Connie as his bride, and every day he tries to approach his marriage like he did at the beginning.
Years ago Connie, who had graduated from college with an education degree, discovered she enjoyed working as a waitress more than she liked teaching. While working as a waitress in Long Beach at Panama Joe’s Belmont Shore, Connie met her future husband. “He came in for dinner, and he asked, ‘Why don’t you bring me what you would like for dinner?’ It was very odd,” she says with a great deal of laughter. Frank pretends to be hurt, saying, “I thought it was so romantic!”
“That’s how we met,” Connie says. “We became friends at first, and then his company had a job opening. He and his friend who he came in with all the time told me about the job opening in sales. We worked together at United States Lines in sales for a while, and then he asked me out.”
Even once they married, Frank and Connie have continued working together. While spending all day and all night together might drive some couples crazy, Frank and Connie, who work as a local realtor team, embrace it. “It’s a beautiful thing,” Frank shares. Connie adds, “We got married because we wanted to spend more time together so it’s never been a drawback.” As realtors who work together, they especially like being part of those happy moments when they get to help couples find their dream homes or even their first homes.
When asked about some of the challenges they’ve faced together in their marriage, Frank laughs as he asks, “What challenges?” (I quickly discovered that Frank loves to make people laugh, especially Connie. It’s endearing because as he makes jokes, he looks at her and smiles, clearly enjoying watching her reaction.)
Connie shares that when she had back surgery that was certainly a challenge. “It took a long time to recover, and he took such good care of me. That’s when I realized, ‘Wow!’ It made me appreciate him so much more. Afterwards I found this chart where he had written in what I ate, how much, how many ounces I was drinking, when I took my medications . . . all this detailed charting of making sure he was doing everything right. I had this appreciation that I can’t even express in words when somebody helps you like that.” Frank, with his quick wit, nonchalantly shrugs as he remarks, “I’m a nice guy,” making Connie chuckle again.
The Spitzers say that “without a doubt” the highlight of their marriage has been their two sons Blake and Jacques, as well as their daughter-in-law Tiffany and grandson Deacon. Their faces both light up as they talk about their family.
What advice does Connie offer newly married couples? “I think sense of humor goes a really long way! Marry someone who laughs at your jokes! If they don’t laugh at your jokes, forget it.” Sense of humor, according to Frank, is “absolutely essential” during the hard times.
Connie’s secret to a long marriage is “marrying the right person” while Frank maintains that he “just got married yesterday.” “Maybe that’s my secret,” he says. He said there’s a big difference between expectation and reality, and that couples need to find that happy medium.
The couple usually celebrates Valentine’s Day by going to the movies, or doing something low-key but fun. “He’ll usually get me a yellow rose. Whether it’s one rose or a lot, he knows I like yellow.” Frank says his secret for Valentine’s Day is very simple, and all it requires is him asking Connie, “What would you like to do? That’s 100% the difference between expectation and reality,” he says. Connie adds, “We usually wing it.”
“If the weather is conducive, and more often than not it is, we end up for a time on the beach,” Frank says of Valentine’s Day. Admittedly Frank and Connie (like a lot of people in Coronado) don’t take regular advantage of the fact that they live so close to such beautiful beaches, and as Frank explains, “We get ourselves in routines. We need to ask ourselves, ‘What’s the real important thing?’ ”
I have a feeling that whatever Frank and Connie end up doing this Valentine’s Day, you can be sure that they’ll be together and that they’ll be laughing!
“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.”
~ Simone Signoret
